May 11, 2012

@xeyednpainless: If you tell me to “chillax,” I will “chillstab” you and “chillaugh” while you bleed to “chilldeath.”

@goreysgirl: If you haven’t lost followers you’re not tweeting hard enough.

@belatedbrent: Most of my tweets are like an episode of Family Guy… Random as hell and only funny 50% of the time.

@Brad_Spitts: I don’t think I’ll ever be Twitter elite guys, I’m a homeowner.

@SeanINCypress: I don’t claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I’m guessing that it’s like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

@sweet_toof: Sorry about all the typos lately, gays.

@AmberDonn: “Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

@missmayn: Best part of having to poop at PetSmart is you can just do it in aisle 5.

@MmeSurly: My kids wouldn’t stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they’re crying and I’m like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.

@Qu4rtKn33: Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they’re in for the rest of that day.